My big boy had his three year check up today. I always go into any check-ups a little stressed out because so much emphasis is put on Grant's weight. Today was no different.
We get in there and of course he is all smiles flirting with the nurse. Then it was time to weigh. This is when my stomach gets in knots. My fingers were crossed. Last night I weighed him and he was at 19lbs 15oz (he's cutting his molars and hasn't ate much the last week) so I was just praying that he ate enough breakfast to get him over the 20lb mark. The scale was bouncing from high 19's to low 20's until finally stopping at 20lbs 1oz! I wanted to jump for joy but the nurse would've thought I was crazy. We get back in the room and she puts the numbers in the computer and of course I get the "Well he's not even on the chart" I just wanted to shout "I KNOW THIS!!" but just smiled and said "I didn't figure he would be." Then she went on her merry way and we waited on his nurse practitioner.
So his nurse practitioner comes in (who is amazing I might add) and looks at his chart. We are going over how much he's grown. Then we get to weight. She asks if any other specialists are concerned about his weight and I mention his developmental pediatrician is and that he started talking about a feeding tube. Then I felt the knife dig way down deep in my gut and twist and twist. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. She told me that it is a 99% chance that within the next year or two (but more than likely the next year) my precious, perfect baby boy will have a feeding tube. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe but kept a smile on my face. She continued to tell me that it's not because he's not eating enough or not healthy or anything like that but just because he's burning more calories than he's eating and it's just causing him to gain weight way too slow. She said he could still continue to eat meals the way he does now that it would just be a used at night and as a sort of snack to give him a boost of calories. They way she presented it and the things she said it all makes perfect sense...but as a mom...IT SUCKS!!!
As a mom I once again feel like I have failed him! I feel like I have failed my baby boy again just like I didn't protect him when he was inside of me and couldn't keep the CP away. I feel like I should've done more...but then I did all I could do. This is tearing me up inside and I have tears streaming down my face as a type this. This CP was not Grant's fault! Why does my poor boy have to keep suffering...why does he have to keep pushing through obstacles...why does he have to keep trying so damn hard at everything...why can't he just get a break. With that being said...if the doctors all agree this will be best for my baby boy then this is what we will do. It will break my heart but I will never deny Grant of something that might make his life that much better! So for now I just pray...and cry...and get over this hump just like we have several others.