Tonight the last page in the first chapter officially turns and the chapter is over. This chapter was filled with so much emotion! From the very first moment I found out I was pregnant to the last kiss goodnight tonight I remember every second...every emotion as if it all just happened!
I remember the beginning...the excitement of being pregnant. The wonderment of what we will be having...the joy at finding out it was a boy...the images of watching our sons play in the front yard. Then the pure devastation and fear at finding out before our baby boy was even born that he would have Cerebral Palsy. Doing all the research...crying myself to sleep night after night...wondering what this would mean. How would Matthew handle it...how would Ryan handle it...how would I handle it.
Then he was here...his day arrived...I remember hearing his first cry...seeing that precious face peek at me over the curtain...having him laid on my chest and feeling the tears roll down my face. I remember the worry, fear, excitement and joy of wondering what happens next.
I remember the pain and anguish as I walked out of the hospital and half my heart had to stay behind. Waiting at the door as a couple was all smiles bringing their baby home and mine was still in an incubator with "tanning" lights on him. I remember visiting him every day for hours. I remember walking in and seeing that huge, elaborate needle taped to his forehead so that he could have his 7th blood transfusion of his young young life. I remember being taught how to use the apnea monitor that would be attached to him for the next two months. I remember the overwhelming emotion when we finally got to bring our baby home 18 days after bringing him into the world.
I would love to play out every event in his life this way but I think you get the idea. I remember EVERYTHING that has taken place over the last three years and one and a half days :) But what I remember most is all the smiles I have had spread across my face because of this amazing little boy that I have been so incredibly blessed to call MY SON. He has taught me so much in his mere three years. More than anyone could every teach me in a lifetime. He has inspired so many other people as well. We walk through a store with him in his grocery cart chair or kid kart and he gets more smiles than ignorant stares. Everyone says hi to him. Everyone smiles him. Everyone is touched by the way his face lights up!
This little boy has inspired me in so many ways. He has never ever given up. He has fought through every obstacle he has had to face with a smile and determination! He has every reason in the world to just want to lay around and cry and be upset all the time but he is the complete opposite! He is truly amazing!
So as I drop him off for his first day of preschool tomorrow I will be strong (I hope!) I will pray that he knows I am not leaving him...I pray he knows that I don't love him any less...I pray he understands what is happening. It's hard and it's my fault because the only people he's ever been left with are my parents and I am so scared he is going to think I am mad at him or don't love him as much because I am leaving him. But I know that he will grow to love it. All the ladies (teachers and therapists) already LOVE him just from the few times he's been up there and I now he will be in the best hands besides mine. But as I walk away I will be feeling that agonizing pain that I felt when I first left the hospital without my baby boy in my arms. And with that....we turn the page....